I hate that I am starting off like this but I know for a fact that I'm not the only one going through what I am in this moment. As of today, there are 6.5 Million Americans who are unemployed, 1.8 Million people collecting unemployment insurance and to this day, I never expected that after COVID, I'd be in this statistic. Even when CoVid took our jobs away, I refrained from taking money from the government, I viewed myself as above people who are unemployed, I viewed myself as better and I won't be in this situation long. I had a long conversation with a friend about collecting those unemployment checks and she reminded me that I have changed lives through fitness and life coaching so I deserve to get something back for the government.
Through the years of working in fitness, I've supported hundreds of people ranging from New York City all the way to Melbourne, Australia. I've changed lives through my past experiences of being a track and field athlete and my experiences with physical trauma. I've trained people for free because I saw they had a bigger vision and I wanted to see them succeed. I've put myself in deep holes mentally for the success of others. I took pride in this and it was a reminder that if I can support others, I don't need support.
Wrong
There is only so much you can do on your own and with certain experiences in life, we need to lean on those around us. Financially, those around me couldn't keep my bills paid as well as their own so after realizing that I've supported others, I allowed myself to be supported. During CoVid, I used the money I collected to support those around me after getting my essentials paid. I get plenty of joy seeing the joy in others so if I can do it financially, I don't think of the long-term effect and I just do it in the moment. Some people don't possess the thrill of helping others and some help more than others. Due to the trauma in my life, seeing instantaneous joy lights me up like a Christmas Tree. Some people call this people-pleasing, I call it a superpower.
I've gone through plenty of physical trauma in my life that has led to emotional trauma. I've had emotional trauma that has led to me having anxiety and panic attacks. I've worked through trauma to finish marathons and win championships as a collegiate athlete. With this in mind, I chose to accept again unemployment checks and I've chosen to "disappear" off of Instagram and to family and friends via texting or phone calls. When I'm at a loss of emotions and feeling numb, I choose to listen to motivational videos and podcasts. One day, I chose to run with a motivational playlist going and this quote came up to me and it was the theme of the video.
"I dare you to disappear for a year. No posting. No boasting. Just focusing on You. Working on You. Improving You. Creating the best version of Yourself. I dare You"
I replayed this video over and over, I don't know why it resonated with me but it struck a nerve. I slept on this and woke up to delete Instagram from my phone. For years, I felt obligated to keep an Instagram account but I saw that I'd be falling into a black hole, I saw that it was shifting the mindset of how I viewed myself, it was not providing any value to who I am and where I am going. I felt as if I couldn't delete the account because I'm an ambassador for injinji socks and need to stick to an obligation I signed at the beginning of the partnership. I've worked with several brands through the years that I felt obligated to and for years I didn't delete the app or I would and I'd come back shortly after. I set limits on how long I can have the app open but this wasn't working so as of right now, I haven't used my personal Instagram account for several weeks...possibly a month or more, I really don't care to keep track.
But why not speak to friends and family?
I am choosing to be in silence to learn more about myself and understand my mind. I am isolating to an extent of course as I am currently living with family and I will speak to my brother and sister occasionally. Unfortunately, I have chosen to step away from everyone else without notice. I am struggling to not message them so I can at least let them know that I'm okay but in reality, I am not. Every day isn't promised so I can't predict how I am going to feel and at this current moment, I don't care to express my thoughts and feelings over text or over a phone call.
I ask myself, "Is this selfish or will this actually benefit me?"
Every day, I see the benefits of leaving my phone away from the work station, every day I see the value of having thoughts and keeping them to myself, every day I see the power of sitting in emotions that are my own and not sharing them. I have the power to easily tell people what I am going through and also I have the power to set boundaries with people, both I have done in the past and I'm choosing diferently this time around. I am isolating to get rid of my past and open the doors to my new future. I'be been so connected with people for years, I believe this is a great time to connect with myself again. In the coming days, weeks, or months I may regret this decision for a moment but I'm seeing my evolution daily. I normally don't have the luxury to sit with myself and work on projects or learn something new, I normally lean on others as that was my career and I was constantly in an intimate relationship.
I'm checking the ego at the door.
As I am still using Strava and LinkedIn, I'm not falling in the same traps that Instagram had on my mind. I'm still choosing to refrain from people and with every text/iMessage notifcation, I'm using those few seconds to be grateful that I have someone looking out for me but I get to look out for myself first. Self care is more important than ever in my life and if my self care offends anyone, that won't bother me moving forward.
This Blog though?
This is something to share for those who don't know me, for those who are coming to by page by chance to learn where I am and where I am going. This is for me as I've never vulnerably shared myself in this manner on Instagram or any other platform. I am using this to practice the release of selfe judgement.
Motivational Music: Motiversity.com
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